How to Be a Good Roommate

After some time on this road this year, it has come to our attention that some people need a little lesson on proper behavior when sharing living space with someone you are not dating/married to.  With that in mind, we present this guide that we hope will right some wrongs that have been so frequently done in the past.

HOW TO BE A GOOD ROOMMATE:

1.  Keep it to yourself.  Your stuff goes on your bed, on your side of the room.  Not on my bed.  Not on my side of the room.  Don’t put your wet ski pants on my bed.  Don’t put your smelly-ass boots over here.  Keep them over there.

2.  Take responsibility for your snoring.  I’m sorry that you snore, I know it isn’t really your fault, just like the dreams I have about your mom aren’t really my fault.  But still, your snoring impacts me in an overwhelmingly negative way, and it’s your snoring, so it makes a big difference if you take responsibility for it, acknowledge that you do it, and make some kind of effort at fixing it.  Otherwise, you’re just an a-hole and I hate you.  Sleep on your stomach, sleep on your side, start going to AA meetings – whatever it takes, just stop it.* 

*Dane Spencer’s tip of a lifetime: To stop someone from snoring, go with a loud *snap* of the fingers or a hearty *click* of the tongue.  Doesn’t work every time, but when it does it is SWEET.  Otherwise, download Sigur Rós’ album “Ágætis Byrjun,” get some Skullcandy earbuds at Marshall’s for $5.99 and get ready to float into space.

3.  I don’t want to see your ass.  Speaking of your ass, sometimes it will be visible in the room as you change clothes or get showered.  That's fine, but I don’t want to see it.  Appropriate warnings to me include, "Oops, here comes my ass." "Pardon me for just a moment."  Or simply, "Hey, I gotta get naked for a second." In any case, you need to leave a couple seconds between the warning and the ass shot to give me time to comprehend.  Otherwise I will look up immediately.  I need a moment to understand what's about to happen, and to understand that I don't want to see it. Honestly, even Al Qaeda titles their beheading videos so that you know when you’re going to see some awful shit.

4.   Stop farting. Just because you say, "With all due respect," doesn't mean you can say whatever you want, right?  Similarly, the phrase "Excuse me," does not mean you can have preceded that with whatever hideousness lives inside you.  Farting can be funny, but right now, I’m trying to read and you’re making me feel like I’m inside your colon. Hold your fecal particles inside yourself until you are alone.

5.  Shut the door.  When you enter or leave the hotel room, shut the door (unless we are actively trying to vent foot-smell out of the room).  When you enter or leave the bathroom, shut the door.  Just shut the fucking door.  I don’t want people walking by in the hall looking at me as I contemplate whether or not I should put on socks.  Nor do I want to hear the sounds of you pissing or taking a crap.  Even when you think I’m asleep, the sound of you tinkling will certainly wake me up, and there’s nothing worse than waking up to the sounds of someone else pissing.  So please, just close the door, okay?

6.  Use headphones on Skype.  Better yet, invest in some headphones that are also equipped with a microphone.  That way, I don’t need to listen to your girlfriend’s annoying voice, and I don’t have to endure you shouting at your computer like you’re in Quebec asking for directions.

7.  Don’t use my toothpaste.  Unless you ask first, don’t you dare touch my toothpaste.  I thought to bring some, you didn’t.  I put it back in my Dopp kit in exactly a certain way so that I would know if you used it, and now it’s in there a different way, so now I know, you shitweasel you used my toothpaste.  Don’t do that.

8.  Turn the TV off when you leave.  I don’t want to come back from dinner to the sounds of Two and a Half Men or Jim Kramer.  There’s nothing creepier than the sound of a loud TV in an empty room, and you’ll be able to turn it back on to whatever channel you want when you get back.  When we leave, turn it off.

9.  Take your shoes off when you come in.  It’s winter, there’s slush and crap all over the bottoms of your shoes.  Now it’s on my socks because you didn’t take your shoes off.  Too bad I have to kill you in your sleep.

10.  Clean up after yourself.  Yes, there is a person, usually a “she,” that gets paid to clean our room after we leave.  She gets paid almost nothing, however.  You’re as broke as I am, so don’t be a snob and assume someone else should clean up your mess.  Pick up your trash, put the towels in a pile, and for God’s sake wipe your pubes out of the tub.

Hopefully these are rules we can agree on and abide by.  When we are on the road, we exist in a sort of annoying prisoner’s dilemma, so let’s do the smart thing and cooperate.  And please, right now, get your jacket off my bed.